by Bill Indek
You might be a red neck if you use a sharpie to fix a scratch in your car.
And… You might be a redneck if your ex took the house with her when she left you.
I think my car has an identity issue- whenever I stop and open my door- a sign on my dashboard says- “door ajar.”
The zookeepers at Central Park called all the animals to a meeting and told them that they will be required to wear surgical masks. The senior alligator said that his species could not comply with the edict as they would be unable to put on said masks because they had...alligator arms.
How do lumberjacks communicate? They log in. (an Indek original)
From the world of Yoga: the teacher had us doing a number of poses with an extended time spent in the plank position- top of a push-up. After class- she asked how we were doing- me: “Well, after so many planks, I feel board."
And- in the world of finance- was at a local Bank of America branch and was cashing a check. The teller says, "And how would you like your bills?” Me-_ ‘I would like green ones”’. Pause and then the entire teller section lost it!
The police in a local town were called to stop 2 local violin players who were practicing outdoors in to the late night. A neighbor commented on the police action as clearly a case of violins in the street.
Famous Philosopher Rene Descartes got into an argument with his wife. Afterwards he apologized and said he was not thinking- and…he instantly disappeared.
From the Dept. of Deep Thoughts: met an old running buddy recently and after exchanging the usual stuff- he asked me how old I am. Me- 73. He responded, "Seventy-two.” Then I added, “Wow- I was that just last year.”
The past, the present and the future walked in to a bar. It was tense.
What do you get if you cross a Buddhist with a Jewish person? Someone who renounces all his material possessions but still keeps the receipts.
Recently met a guy who said that he was so old that his blood type was discontinued.
A Dad joke: What is black and white and red all over? A penguin with sunburn.
The Swiss must have been pretty confidant of victory- they included a corkscrew in their knives.
A guy is walking his dog in a restricted area and a policeman pulls over and says: “does that dog have a license?” The owner says- “No- he does not need one as he does not drive.”
A missed chance- recently I went to buy a new phone at an AT&T Store during the pandemic- old one fell apart. They were only allowing 1 customer in at a time. So when I arrived- the salesman said that he would call us in in the order we had arrived. Me- being the wise guy said-‘How will you recognize me as I am wearing a mask?” Him- “You are wearing a red shirt and khaki pants.” When I went back out side, I realized I could have said-:” Yes, I am Jake from State Farm.” But I thought of it too late.
Local Deli Store owner- a funny guy my age – said, "All my life people thought of me as worthless (he was kidding) and now I am considered Essential. Me- “Perhaps you are actually Essentially Worthless.” And with that his Assistant almost dropped the order she was working on.
Futuristic stuff- a local library asked me to do a Zoom Conference with people in the town as there was considerably anxiety over College Admissions and the impact of the Virus (really). Speaking with 30 individuals over the phone made me think I was in a Star Trek Episode. As an old dude this was futuristic to me as I had a flip cell phone until last month.
A walk down memory lane. As many of you know- I was a high school guidance counselor for 36 years and have been doing college counseling for a total of 40 plus years. As part of this -I visit many colleges so that I have a better idea of what colleges are really like. So, back in 2010- I was on a 10-day, 15-college tour in Florida. So, when we were at Rollins College- we had a panel meeting with faculty and the college president. The Prez was very proud of the International Hospitality Major as he explained it to us. When he was finished- I raised my hand and said to him-“It is obvious that you have no reservations about this program.” He stared at me and could not decide how to react- laugh, cry hit me, etc. And that is my story and I am sticking to it.