by Bill Indek
You might be a redneck if… you have Barbeque-scented candles
I read about a turtle in an Australian Zoo that is (really) 188 years old. Wow- when a reporter asked him—his name is Hugo—what he thought of the current world’s situation having lived through- famines, earthquakes, wars, depressions, etc, he slowly shook his head (remember he is a turtle) and said, “W.T.F.” Then he gradually pulled his head in to the shell and said, “Wake me when all this sh… is over.” Interesting coping skill.
With all the talk back in January about impeaching the former Prez and in March to do the same for NY Governor Cuomo— if it is such an issue— try a different fruit. Sour grapes may be just right.
And you may still be a redneck if you have a cupholder on the toilet.
One of the main causes of dry skin— towels!
While visiting my kids in Baltimore, we passed an old church building that was now for sale. Hmm, I wonder if God would be interested in subletting?
Read about a rare female Swinhoe Turtle discovered in Vietnam. The species is almost extinct. There is a male counterpart in China. So, when they put them together, would it be correct to call the handlers Turtle Pimps?
And, yes I realize that I have 2 Turtle Jokes in this issue. Beware of …shell shock.
Saw an interesting bumper sticker: “Jesus is coming. Look busy.”
Time for a quiz:
1. What do you call a line of 20 rabbits taking a step backwards? A receding hareline.
2. What do you call a Satanist who likes low carb pizza? The anticrust. Throw-back time:
Back in 1983 while I and a fellow counselor were leading the traditional orientation meeting for parents of 8thgraders- getting ready for 9thgrade and high school in the school library we had two dads whose body language suggested that they were not impressed. At the Q-and-A at the end, one of them asked, “What can we do to help our high school seniors get more impressive S.A.T. scores?” (Note, Glen Ridge HS has always had about a 94% rate go to colleges and our school was listed as one of the top schools in the state). So, not being one to let a challenge open the door to creativity, I responded, “I am glad that you asked that question. I was going to announce a special program that we have been funded to start.” My colleague is now staring at me in confusion. “We are creating a cutting-edge program to do just what you asked- it is a Fetal S.A.T. Prep program!”
The entire audience went silent then broke in to laughter. The dad looked at me as if to say, “OK you got me on that one.” Thank goodness for tenure.
The horoscope bummed me out the other day. For us Capricorns, it said, “Your anus is in a bad place and changes are coming in your life.” Now that is not good and- what- oh- Uranus! O0ps, my bad!
OK, buddies… here are 2 questions:
1. What is the correct thing to say after an atheist sneezes?
2. If you meet a born-again person- do you need to buy him 2 birthday gifts?
As I was getting out of my car recently, a guy in an SUV, a Honda Element, also pulled up. As he was getting out of his car, I realized… he was out of his element, literally!
And now for a reversal of sorts:
A student in Japan taking the pre-university entrance exam was kicked out of the testing center for not wearing his mask appropriately. So, you could actually say…here it comes… he was thrown out for not engaging in a cover up. Just saying.