by Bill Indek
You might be a redneck if you ever vacationed at an outlet mall.
Here is a modern take on an old Latin phrase: Veni- Vidi- Visa= We Came-We Saw- We Shopped.
I hope you all are keeping your sanity and staying well. With this new normal and the need to wear surgical masks, I feel like a cross between Dr. Kildaire ( a 1960’s med show) and the Frito Bandito (a 1960’s commercial).
Little known fact: Johann Decimal created the decimal point. He did not get much press coverage, as too much would have been…pointless.
Something to ponder: In this age of cashing in on fame, imagine if Noah had the chance. His ad for irregularity would say: “Take 2 by 2 tablets and you will get 40 days of relief.”
Be careful what you say to me: At a car dealer recently, the Sales Manager’s Assistant mentioned that I was smiling through the entire transaction— so I must be a happy person. I responded: ‘Thanks-but it is actually gas.” The entire front office cracked up.
At a recent County Guidance Counselor Association Dinner: I still belong and like to stay current—the Counselor at my table said, “It feels chilly in here.” I replied, “Actually it feels more like Brazil.” Long pause and then groans.
Russian leader Vladimir Putin is a history buff for the historical figures. His favorite is Ivan the Terrible, the 16thCentury Tsar. Imagine how the world would be today if instead he admired Ivan’s brother— Lenny the So-So. Just saying.
After attending the above-mentioned County Guidance Meeting recently— a pretty red car pulled up to the front of the restaurant by the valet. A group of folks tried guessing what type of car it was— “Lexus?” “ Honda?” Me: “Maybe it is a VW with an identity crisis.”
From the world of Yoga: my teacher was explaining to class that the reason people are stiff is associated with the lack of blood flow through the fascia surrounding our muscles. So, being the observant dude that I am, I asked, “If the work yoga teachers do facilitates the fascia, would that mean that they are…Fascists?” And while we are on the topic of yoga: imagine if a cowboy becomes a follower of yoga— He could rewrite the classic western song with the new title, “Om on the Range.”
Heard a politically correct way to say after one has released gas (aka fart)= gastronomical repercussion.
Food for thought: In baseball, when the best hitters are coming to bat- it is called the meat of the order. But what if the team is made up of vegetarians? Saying the salad and beans of the order just does not carry the same significance. Just saying.
OK Science friends: what do you call a protein with a bad attitude? A Mean ol’ acid.
A driver’s ed teacher’s good answer to a student driver’s question about his lack of ability in parking: “it was unparalleled”.
Sports of Sorts
The National Masters Track and Field Association has released the rankings for the 2019 Outdoor Season (aka- last year).
It turns out that in my age bracket, age 70-74, I was nationally ranked 131stin the 50 meter dash and 161stin the 100 meters. And yes, there were slower guys ranked behind me.
With the Corona Virus altering our world, here is how sports may return in the near future:
1. New game based on an old one: Hide and Don’t seek.
2. Football- no tackling or blocking: keeping that 6 foot distance. Games will have really high scores.
3. Baseball: at the end of a game- instead of handshakes- texting will be ok. And in the same sport- the traditional song of “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” played during the 7thinning stretch will now be, “Don’t Take Me Out To The Ball Game.” Vendors will now be selling surgical masks along with hotdogs.
4. Wrestling: keeping the six-foot rule, contestants will wage psychological warfare. First guy says, “You are ugly and you dress funny.” His opponent responds, “Your moma was so fat that her High School Photo was an aerial picture.” And so on. Winner determined by a Psychologist-Referee.